Talking to Your Teen About Sex
Being curious about sex is a normal part of being a teenager, thanks to all of those raging hormones that come during puberty. Parents can help their child learn about healthy and safe sex and all of the topics surrounding it, but sometimes a lot of parents don't know how to bring up this type of conversation. It is super beneficial for parents to be able and willing to talk to their kids about sex. They can help their teenager understand their feelings, help them know how to make good decisions, know how to stand up to peer pressure, and know when to say no. There are so many benefits to talking to your kids about sex. Research has shown that when parents and their children have conversations about sex, their children are more likely to wait to have sex and are more likely to use condoms or birth control when they do have sex. (1). I know so many people whose parents never, EVER, talked to them about sex. This is partially due to the fact that it's still such a taboo topic. If the idea of talking about sex with your teen makes you squeamish, you're definitely not alone. If you really need help with bringing up the topic of sex with your child, here are a few pointers and tips to help get the conversation flowing.
You don't have to have "the talk" with your 5 year old child. In fact, you probably shouldn't. However, by 5 years old, a child should at least know the difference between "good touch" and "bad touch". This can be the basis for opening the door to conversations about sex later on in life. (2). As your child grows, you can be more and more specific with the topics you choose to talk to them about. Starting this conversation young can build trust between you and your child. By the time your child becomes a teenager and is more curious about sex, bringing it up won't be as awkward because you've already had these types of conversations with them. This open line of communication is so beneficial. When your teen has questions about sex, they will be more likely to come to you with their questions rather than turning to other sources, like the internet.
One of the most important things that a parent can their their child in terms of sexual relationships is that of consent. Findings have shown that parents don't talk about consent with their children any more than they do any other sexual topic. (3). Because women are more likely to be victims of sexual assault, it is important for parents to teach their daughters when to say no. Parents should teach their boys boundaries and how to ask for consent. Consent is such an important aspect of any healthy sexual relationship. Parents should teach their children that consent shows respect for not only themselves, but the person that they are involved with as well.
- Fear of Sending a Mixed Message
One of the things that could stop parents from having "the talk" with their teenagers is the fear of sending a mixed message. Parents might be worried that talking to their child about sex will actually increase their interest and desire to have sex. "But if me and my teen talk about sex, they're going to be even more curious and want to experience it for themselves!" Nope! This isn't necessarily true! There has been a lot of research done that suggests that when parents talk to their teens about sex, the teen will wait until later in life to begin having sexual relationships and will have safer and healthier sexual relationships. (4).
- The Embarrassment, Awkwardness, and Shame
If you're embarrassed when it comes to talking to your teen about sex, just know that they are probably just as embarrassed. They may be feeling like you're making assumptions about what they are doing, trying to pry into their personal lives, or even might fear being punished if they ask questions or open up to you. This isn't what we want. As hard as it is, having a conversation about sex is a necessity. Many youth report that they want their parents to discuss the positive aspects of sex and sexuality with them, rather than how negative sex can be. (4). This can be a slippery slope. As a parent, you want to ease your child's stresses and concerns, not add to them. Telling your child that having sex is "wrong" or "sinful" definitely won't be easing their concerns. In addition to that, what kind of message is that sending for them when they do start engaging in sexual relationships? They're going to immediately think that they are doing something wrong and that their parents would be so disappointed in them. Sex is a part of human nature. We are inherently born with these desires. To label these desires as shameful is detrimental. This is why it is so important that parents have this conversation frequently with their teens. Rather than bashing them if they choose to have sex, let them know that you still love them no matter what. Most parents have expectations for their teen to wait until they are married before they have sex. It's okay to have those expectations. Let your teen know that those are your expectations, but also have a conversation about what will happen if they choose to engage in sexual relationships prior to marriage. How will you move past it? I can't emphasize this next point enough. It's so important for you to let your teen know that you will always love them.
As you can see, having continual conversations about sex with your child is super important, especially as they enter their teenage years. Puberty releases all of these crazy hormones that sometimes drive teens crazy. It's so helpful for teens to have a supportive parent who they can go to with questions about sex. It's also important that parents don't shame or shy away from questions asked about sex, no matter how awkward you may feel. Let's change the conversation about sex from "We don't talk about that in this house" to "I want you to feel comfortable coming to me with your questions".
Resources
(1) Knopf, A. (2015). Talking to your child about sex, sexuality, and health: Facts + love = success. Brown University Child & Adolescent Behavior Letter, 31, 1–2. https://doi-org.proxy.li.suu.edu:2443/10.1002/cbl.30049
(2) Sharma, A. (2020). The role of media in creating awareness on child sexual abuse among school students. Journal of Education, Culture & Society, 11(2), 52–67. https://doi-org.proxy.li.suu.edu:2443/10.15503/jecs2020.2.52.67
(3) Mastro, S., & Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J. (2015). Let’s talk openly about sex: Sexual communication, self-esteem and efficacy as correlates of sexual well-being. European Journal of Developmental Psychology, 12(5), 579–598. https://doi-org.proxy.li.suu.edu:2443/10.1080/17405629.2015.1054373
(4) Flores, D., & Barroso, J. (2017). 21st century parent–child sex communication in the United States: A process review. Journal of Sex Research, 54, 532–548. https://doi-org.proxy.li.suu.edu:2443/10.1080/00224499.2016.1267693
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